being a girl is the easiest thing in the world. sometimes its so easy that its too much to bear.i thought i needed a break so i took one (a lot of times).
I leave new york on thursday by train. i overhear a woman on the phone ask whoevers on the other end if theyve gotten their Fourth booster shot (shes getting hers tomorrow) and i realize how out of touch i am with the average person, and i feel satisfied with my distance. On Friday afternoon i get an eye exam and an adderall prescription and then later that night food poisoning. it couldve been my Mcdonalds large diet coke, it couldve been anything. it doesnt really matter. im not a girl who vomits but i am so so violently ill all night and crying and praying and finally fall asleep. When i wake up at 9:13 on Saturday it takes me 30 minutes to figure out if its AM or PM and im sure i shifted timelines in the midst of my great purge .
On palm Sunday night i get to [redacted]. this is supposed to be a beach getaway but its more like a simulation of a beach. every few minutes a military jet flies overhead and i can feel them blasting the area with 5G. The hotel has been strange, i hear noises all night and the elevators take forever. On Monday I order a Caesar salad to the room and its the saddest thing I ever saw. the diet coke i ordered is pepsi. The side of blackened tuna is overcooked. i cant help but feel bewildered at the quality of seafood everywhere when i can see the ocean outside my window. is it a trick? how is this real? The dj outside my window is playing to nobody on a lawn. I take four naps.
Now its tuesday and I sit in the shade on a lounge chair. the sun is glistening on the infinity pool and just beyond is the Atlantic. my husband says it looks like the sims (apt).
Ive been imagining its 1968 and im
NO DIVING
NO ONE BEYOND THIS POINT
im imagining what smooth jazz sounds like. i have earbuds in but for no reason
2:22
so i can hear people keep saying the heated pool is closed for maintenance
im thinking about going down to the beach because i know the ocean is healing and its been so long since I was submerged in water at all, which is what i crave so much almost always. but theres something off about everything and i dont know if i want to risk the ocean too. a couple with a small baby just sat next to me and the mother just said “i think his mischievous personality is starting to come out” which is so adorable and i wonder what his name is and if his personality reflects it. babies babies babies <3 theyre just so small and dont even know whats going on
This is the worst letter i ever wrote but its something. I think adderall works for me and i think im growing all the time and i think i have to go to mass tomorrow night when i get back to new york. Eric adams has covid and there were no working cameras at the station in brooklyn where the shooting happened but taking the train is overrated for girls anyway. I think i should walk in Central Park and enjoy the cherry blossoms. I think i should finally do my laundry. I think i need a new macbook but I have to get into art school first and I think im living in a bubble so big itll never burst
took u a while >3
i dont know if i want to risk the ocean too! ur insanely good